shiloh

–Wednesday–

My eyes dart open, hoping to see dawn’s light. I roll over, nervous to look at the clock. 2:38 am.

Ugh. This round of jet lag has lasted three nights…merciless. I phone my husband in Michigan. He pauses his mid-evening YouTube binge to take my call.

“I can’t sleep again.”

Hearing the frustration in my voice, he encourages me to read.

“Okay…I’ll read the Bible. Maybe that will help me fall asleep. I’ll read the story about God speaking to Samuel at night.” I pause. “Any results yet?”

“Nope.”

Last month, we went to an ob-gyn to see if there was anything more we could do to conceive a child. We are waiting on test results.

What I don’t tell Phil is that four days ago, somewhere across the Atlantic, I experienced strange symptoms that might be pregnancy-related. When I realized this, I prayed from my window seat: Lord, if I am pregnant, please let this child not have anxiety. I’ve had anxiety and I see it in my family, too — I want that broken off in this generation. Please, Lord.

I feel a sensation in the corners of my eyes as I say goodnight to Phil. Opening my Bible, I turn to the very relatable 1 Samuel 1. Hannah, unable to conceive, pleaded with the Lord, and he answered. Her pleas turned to praises following the birth of her son, Samuel, as recorded in 1 Samuel 2.

²There is none holy like the Lord: for there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.

In chapter 4, the Lord calls Samuel during the night, but Samuel is confused and thinks that Eli, the priest, is calling him. This happens several times.

⁶And the Lord called again, “Samuel!” and Samuel arose and went to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” But he said, “I did not call, my son; lie down again.” ⁷Now Samuel did not yet know the Lord, and the word of the Lord had not yet been revealed to him.

⁸And the Lord called Samuel again the third time. And he arose and went to Eli and said, “Here I am, for you called me.” Then Eli perceived that the Lord was calling the boy. ⁹Therefore Eli said to Samuel, “Go, lie down, and if he calls you, you shall say, ‘Speak, Lord, for your servant hears.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

I pause and look up at the ceiling. Lord, if you want to say anything to me, go for it since I can’t sleep anyway.

Nothing, except the cacophony of Addis Ababa’s nighttime traffic.

¹⁹And Samuel grew, and the Lord was with him and let none of his words fall to the ground. ²⁰And all Israel from Dan to Beersheba knew that Samuel was established as a prophet of the Lord. ²¹And the Lord appeared again at Shiloh, for the Lord revealed himself to Samuel at Shiloh by the word of the Lord.

Gripped by the words, I read the sentence again and find myself thinking, I’m going to have a baby, and I should name the child Shiloh.

…Shiloh? I’m not sure I like that name, and I don’t think Phil would like that name. We’ve discussed many names, but never this one.

I stare at the wall. Did I just make that up? Grabbing my phone, I google “Shiloh name meaning.” It comes from the Hebrew word “shalom”, meaning tranquil or peaceful.

Whoa. Four days ago, I prayed for a child that would not be anxious. And here’s a name that literally means the opposite of anxiety.

Is all of this a coincidence? It can’t be; it’s too specific. But I’m exhausted. My mind can’t be trusted.

I deliberate for several minutes until I realize there’s only one way to settle this. I pray one last time. Lord, if you’re actually speaking to me, I want you to tell Phil this name. I’m not going to tell him. YOU tell him. A few minutes later, I doze off to sleep.

–Sunday–

I gently move my hands through the warm water, hoping the rhythmic movement will calm my spirit. Phil knocks on the bathroom door. One glance at my face tells him something is wrong.

“So…I really thought I was pregnant this time. Something…weird happened this week.” I recount to him what happened after our conversation on Tuesday evening/Wednesday morning.

“…then I got to the end of the chapter and a name came into my head. I’m not going to tell you what it was, but I had the sense that we’re going to have a child and we should call him or her this name.”

“Was it Shiloh?” he asks.

“What–? Yes. How did…how did you KNOW that?”

“I don’t know…it’s been on my mind the last couple of days. It would be a really cool name for a child.”

–Thursday–

We receive a call from the ob-gyn. Our test results are inconclusive, so she is referring us to the fertility center. It’s okay–I believe that someday we will have a kid. I just don’t know how long it will take. We schedule an appointment with the fertility specialist for November 9, six weeks away.

At the end of October, I notice my period is late, so I test. The strip shows two small, clear lines.

Shiloh!

As I type this, an 11-week-old baby is in a bouncer on the floor, my foot gently bobbing up and down to ensure continued sleep.

My purpose in sharing our story is not to say why this happened but just that it did happen.

The other day I thought to myself, why doesn’t God just speak more plainly to us? Why the guessing back and forth?

I think sometimes the Lord communicates gently so that in order to hear from him, we must have quiet and humble spirits. The second-guessing keeps us in a prayerful state. If he communicated loudly and plainly, we could continue barging our way through life, swollen with pride and self-importance. Instead, when I am quiet, alone, and humble, I open the Bible and read. There’s almost always something there that relates to my situation.

Four weeks ago, Phil tore his ACL in a soccer game. He was discouraged and frustrated in the days that followed. One morning, seated at the dining table with his knee immobilized at 180 degrees, he earnestly asked the Lord for guidance. He opened his Bible to a random page and landed in Hebrews 12. All was normal until he read verses 12-13:

¹²Therefore lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, ¹³and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint but rather be healed.

Are you kidding me?

The Bible is truly living and active; those pages contain God’s breath in every word. If you are struggling and need guidance, forgiveness, mercy, encouragement, anything, start there. Rather, start by finding a quiet place and humbling yourself. Then ask the Lord to speak to you through his word. The Bible is his voice; when you read, you’re listening. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.