Oh, Brother

Growing up, I thought I was a boy. Okay, not really, but here’s the situation: I have four brothers, two older and two younger (I also have a younger sister, but she’s a blog entry all to herself). At a young age my mom dressed me in polka dot hair bows and surrounded me with Kens and Barbies, but my unrealistic play dolls often ended up beheaded and/or limbless, torsos soaring high in a game of monkey in the middle.

Guess who was always in the middle.

Not surprisingly, playing with my brothers was more appealing than solitude with my headless dolls, even though my bony composition put me at a strong disadvantage at sports. Play time transitioned from Barbies to climbing trees, dinosaur games, bloody murder (hide and seek, but more terrifying), or wrestling. I didn’t stand a chance in wrestling so every time my brothers were seconds from declaring me “loser,” I’d swing the competition in a different direction…my direction. Suddenly:

Me: “WAHHHHH OW OH WAHHHH!!!!

Dad: “Stop! Stop! Tell me what happened.”

Me: (hiccuping dramatically) “Steve! He pulled my hair!!!”

Dad: “Stephen Roger, go to your room. You need to play nice with your sister.”

Steve: “Dad! We were wrestling. I didn’t pull her hair. She’s lying! She just doesn’t want to lose!”

Me: “OWWW WAHHHHHHhhhhhhh…”

Over time my self-accommodating tears created a barrier between myself and my brothers and gave them more drive to gang up on me. I recall a time when I was about 8 years old. It was a cold, December night and my mom was preparing for a dinner party. We were playing in the basement, waiting for guests to arrive. I was likely annoying the boys, making threats to tattle on them if they did anything wrong. Within a few minutes they had convinced me that I was “different” from them because I was adopted, so I wasn’t really part of the family. Even the youngest, to whom preschool was only an aspiration, was participating, smiling and egging the older boys on. For several minutes I retreated to sass and attempted to reveal inconsistencies in their arguments, but eventually genuine tears disclosed my sensitivity and I bolted for the stairs.

Heartbroken, I found my dad and accused him of lying to me. I told him the life-altering news I’d received. He chuckled. My heart sank. In my mind his amusement affirmed my fears. My dad looked at me and said, “Kayla. You’re not adopted. You look exactly like your brothers. But if you were adopted, that wouldn’t change anything. You’re part of the family.” Relieved and simultaneously furious, I gave my brothers the silent treatment for as long as I could stand and spent the rest of the evening with my headless dolls.

Usually when I tell people that I have four brothers their initial reaction is pretty close to sympathy. “Wow, how did you ever survive?” or “Yikes! That must be hard.” Yes, at times I felt bullied and lonely, but that comes with being part of a family. I did my fair share of lying, teasing, and hair pulling. The truth is that as I’ve grown older I have come to appreciate my brothers more and more, especially because I now notice how each differs from the others.

At the beginning of this year I went through a miserable break up. My brothers knew my boyfriend pretty well, and when I told them that we weren’t together anymore all four responded uniquely. Jaron spent a morning with me, sharing coffee and conversation and encouragement. Ryan said little, but enclosed me in a giant, bone-breaking bear hug. Kevin gave me a normal hug and said, “I’m really sorry. We really like him, but I understand.” Steve found me surrounded by snotty tissues, shook his head and sat down across the room. Legs crossed in formal fashion, he pointed at me and said:

“I’m going to give you the best break up advice you’ve ever heard.”

“Oh…ok?” (choking back sobs)

“As soon as you can, have the mindset that you’re not getting back together. That way, you won’t waste time waiting for it to happen. You need to do the best you can to move on. Start with removing him from all social media so that you’re not tempted to keep tabs on him.”

As much as I hated this advice I did my best to heed his words and, honestly, they helped. Although I preferred my other brothers’ sentiment to Steve’s cut-and-dry approach, I’m certain the post break up months would have been far more challenging had I not listened.

Thankfully, memory is partial to happiness so with time I have forgotten the moments of intra-familial strife and have instead accrued a surplus of heart-warming memories. I’ll never forget the night when one called me to find out if I was home and if I could talk. I’m so glad I was, because he disclosed months of bottled up emotions and let it all out in one tearful conversation. I’m pretty sure he hated that I saw him cry but I am so grateful that he trusted me. I also loved the airplane ride when the queasy one found himself squirming next to a stranger’s volcano of vomit, and I just grabbed his face and said, “Don’t smell! Breathe through your mouth!” because I knew his gag reflex was seconds from losing it. And who better to protect me from a creepy ass-grabbing stranger than my oldest brother who happens to be a former reconnaissance Marine? For the record, Ryan’s blood was boiling but he didn’t have to intervene because I had already smacked the knucklehead.

Without all these boys I might be more refined, but I certainly wouldn’t have learned how to burp the ABCs. The boys consistently offer witty comments, inappropriate entertainment, and fresh perspectives on any given situation. They’re always willing to act goofy, be my wedding date, play a round of cards, and try something stupid. And they still make fun of their feisty sister, which is probably healthy for me.

So what do I tell people now? I respond by saying that four boys is occasionally too much testosterone but, in my opinion, it’s just the right amount of brothers.